so, let’s stop calling it a “sex scandal” and, as a general rule, learn to use the words abuse, rape, molestation, harassment, assault, and child porn appropriately. I thought this short article was worth the read and makes an important and powerful point that I would not have thought of myself without reading the article.
Three months ago my peers at the Christian Counselors Collaborative asked me to lecture on John Gottman’s research in Marriage therapy. Three months later I am honored to be coming back to present part 3, having been asked to continue the lecture as a three part series.
This final lecture will conclude with solving the solvable problems in a marriage, individual conflict styles, assessment tools to use in therapy, individual therapy sessions, and Gottman’s assumptions about marriage therapy.
We will then go into a time of discussion, during which I intend to ask some questions that may provoke some fairly heated debate. So, if you are coming-know where you stand on an issue and have ways to back up your position. Here are the questions that will be asked during the discussion section of the lecture.
We will conclude with open forum case presentations, where any helping professional, having worked with a couple is able to bring their case foreword for the rest of the group to hear and give their professional feedback for the education of both the individual presenting the case, as well as the rest of the group.
I am excited, as always to discuss or teach anything Gottman OR marriage, both together, well, lets just say I am very much looking foreword to tomorrow.
Where: ACAC The red Brick Building next to the Church Propper (park in either lot beside that building) 250 East Ohio Street
Pittsburgh, PA 15212
When: Friday, April 20th 12:30pm-2:30pm
Who: Anyone who is interested in coming
Stagnation is death, at least of the human spirit. Education is an investment in your self-confidence, your perspective and your ability to navigate the world you live in.
Often I run into people–including myself–who do not know where to look for resources that will challenge them in their specific area of interest. This link has free resources for just about every niche. Enjoy.
Thank you to Marc and Angel Hack Life
Image credited to Flickriver: http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3070/2968868322_89504703d4.jpg
Take, for instance, a time when the God you put your faith in has seemingly let you or a loved one down…big time. You are flooded with questions and emotions that seem to threaten your understanding about who God is and what you can expect from life.
How Well-Adjusted Is Your Marriage? Short Test
The following quiz is based on the Locke-Wallace Marital Adjustment Test. A measurement that has been extensively tested for accuracy and validity.
This quiz is accredited to John Gottman in “The Marriage Clinic”
Disclaimer: taking this quiz and/or sharing the results with your partner may result in conflict with your partner. In the case of marital conflict please find a well-trained marriage therapist.
On the following continuum, how do you feel about your marriage: (circle a number)
0 2 7 15 20 25 35
Very Unhappy Happy Perfectly Happy
_____________ place # here
How often do you and your partner disagree on the following issues.
Mark 0 if you always disagree
Mark 1 if you almost always disagree
Mark 2 if you frequently disagree
Mark 3 if you occasionally disagree
Mark 4 if you almost always agree
Mark 5 if you always agree
A) Money _____________ place # here
B) Play/How to spend Free Time _____________ place # here
C) Friends _____________ place # here
D) Proper public behavior _____________ place # here
E) Beliefs about life _____________ place # here
F) In-Laws _____________ place # here
G) How you show affection _____________ place # here
- 8 Always Agree
- 6 Almost Always Agree
- 4 Occasionally Disagree
- 2 Frequently Disagree
- 1 Almost Always Disagree
- 0 Always Disagree
H) Sex (Circle One) _____________ place # here
- 15 Always Agree
- 12 Almost Always Agree
- 9 Occasionally Disagree
- 4 Frequently Disagree
- 1 Almost Always Disagree
- 0 Always Disagree
I) Disagreements usually end with _____________ place # here
- 0 Husband giving in
- 2 Wife giving in
- 10 Agreement through compromise
J) Do you and your partner spend your free _____________ place # here
- 10 All of it
- 8 some of it
- 3 very few of it
- 0 none of it
K) During free time you generally prefer
- To be on the go
- To stay at home
L) During free time your partner generally prefers _____________ place # here
- To be on the go
- To stay at home
(for K & L award : 10 for both stay at home / 3 for both on the go / 2 for a disagreement)
M) Do you ever wish you did not marry _____________ place # here
- 0 frequently
- 3 occasionally
- 8 rarely
- 15 never
N) If you could do it over again; you would _____________ place # here
- 15 marry the same person
- 0 marry a different person
- 1 not marry at all
O) Do you ever confide in your partner? _____________ place # here
- 0 almost never
- 2 rarely
- 10 in most things
- 10 in everything
This quiz, similar to an IQ test, has a mean of 100, and a standard deviation of 15.
85 indicates a marriage that is considered to be in trouble
100 Indicates a marriage that is at the average level of satisfaction
115 indicates a very healthy marriage.
130 and higher indicates an exceptionally happy marriage.
Note: Couples within the first 5 years of marriage usually score 15-20 points higher than couples married longer than 5 years.
If you wish your marriage was more satisfying to you, be encouraged that there is a substantial amount of research that has taught us what makes a marriage fail or succeed. Find a therapist who specializes, or has experience in treating couples.
Connected to the link below is an online 12-question assessment that claims to be helpful in letting you know if therapy is recommended for you at this time. The hosting website says that most of their measurment tools have been tested for validity. I would be interested to see if you have any feedback.
We’ve all had the experience of pointing a camera at a beautiful scene, only to be disappointed later that the image we’re left with looks nothing like the vista we hoped to capture. What makes the difference between a stunning, captivating photograph and a poor image? I would argue that the lens used to take the picture makes a big difference. We know, for example, that a basic lens without a zoom will capture a very different image than a fancy telephoto lens with lots of bells and whistles. A fish-eye lens will distort the image in a different way than a wide-angle lens. The lens can make or break a picture.
Much the same as using a camera lens to take a photograph, we all look at the world through our own unique frame of reference, capturing the surrounding world in snapshots which we use to interpret and remember the moments we experience. However, sometimes we forget that we are subjective and not objective observers of our world. We can easily change a camera lens to capture an image differently, but changing or even identifying the mental lens we use to view the world is much more difficult.
Your lens is specific and unique to you. You and a sibling may have grown up in the same house, with the same parents, and have similar ages and physical features. All of these things have helped to shape the lenses you look through. But even with all this in common, the way in which you view the world could be very different.
Everything we experience is interpreted through the lens we use. In this way, two people living through an identical situation can have completely different experiences. The same stimulus can be interpreted in very different ways by different people using different lenses. Therefore, I can never truly claim to understand how someone else feels. For example, applause will be interpreted differently by a person who is accustomed to success than it will be by someone who is accustomed to failure. An embrace is experienced very differently by a person whose dad hugged her as an attempt to make amends for the abuse he inflicted than it will be by the person whose father delivered a hug to express his unwavering love and affection. The same statement made by a politician will be interpreted differently by a politically conservative person than it will be by one who is politically liberal.
Awareness of the lens you use to experience life can offer profound freedom and insight into why you experience life the way that you do. Even better news: like camera lenses, our mental lens can be switched out for a better version, allowing us to capture better images of the one precious life we’ve been given to live.
What lenses are you using to experience your world? How could your life and relationships be made richer and more beautiful by gaining this awareness of perspective? How would your life change if you were able to see things differently?
Images Credited to:
Should we medicate depression or anxiety? In working with clients who struggle with these and other disorders I have run across those who stand on both sides of the line. Some people are adamantly opposed to medicating these conditions, others are enthusiastically in support of it, while still others are ambivalent.
What do you think? Weigh in on this issue with your vote and/or comments explaining your stance.
Having observed the field of Christian counseling over the past years I have noticed some issues that need to be addressed:
1. Christians are often reluctant to seek counseling due to fear of judgment/stigma inside of the church.
2. When Christians are being counseled in a faith-based setting they are often fearful of being honest about their struggles because of a reluctance to let a fellow Christian know the truth about how they do not measure up to the ideals that scripture establishes for daily living.
3. Christians sometimes think that all that is required for true life change is faith and prayer. To admit that these attempts have not worked feels like admitting a lack of faith or a poorly disciplined prayer life.
I believe that the caring presence of a truly non-judgmental person has profound power to begin the process of change and healing.
All dealings with a practicing therapist are legally required to be kept confidential. This includes the fact that an individual has sought help at all, as well as any and all content discussed within the context of therapy. So, unless your therapist feels that you are in danger of harming yourself or others, no one will know that you have asked for help; even in the extreme case mentioned, your referral to a local hospital will be kept confidential.
All good therapists have been a client in therapy as well as a clinician. And most therapists are drawn to the field because they have had significant struggles of their own to overcome. Therefore, we literally understand how it feels to sit in your seat as a first time client.
Though faith and prayer are essential elements of a Christian’s life, sometimes we need further help in seeking the change we desire. Remember, even Jesus asked for support from His disciples in his time of need.